Why do I not automatically run to God? Why do I run to this friend or this thing and that, when God is so near me and will hear even my pleading whispers in the night? Why do I continually worry over devised plans when deep down I KNOW they will most likely fail without His aid? Am I in control of destiny?  Surely not, so why do I struggle so when I struggle to control even my meager actions?!  Why not at once do I throw myself at His feet and offer up my burdens to Him; knowing full well that He of all can carry all?!  I see that my deliverance is not here but out there; not upon this rock hurtling through space!  Hush, quiet, still yourself…  feel Him near…  Ok, calm water, the sky’s reflection, blue on blue, shimmering ever so…  I feel… and know that I am not alone.

It says that I don’t have to ask for permission to ask for help.  The word WHOSOEVER is a universal one in my mind and it includes us, anyone  who seeks the path, follows the path, strays from the path and cries for help.  I try to follow God, begrudgingly, fitfully, but inevitably, for I know that there is but one way to live beyond this limited body of animated dust.  Out there somewhere, beyond, not here.

So we must remember to call upon Him because He made a promise to us… whether urgent or deep with regret, we need but ask.  I FEEL THIS but fear it as well.  My only evidence is the many times seeing love in the eyes of my wife and children.   That love originates from a deeper, ethereal place, that no man has ever truly been but yearns for at his core.  Without my four children and wife I would not have seen the truth of what bone deep love is, let alone realizing that love has an origin that denies comprehension and can reach limitless dimensions.

I have to let go of control to defeat my fears.  Control is a fickle thing, at fleeting experience, like candy – an instant of sweetness and joy but gone in an instant leaving us wanting, empty.  In my core I know what is good and right and I battle with all the temptations that assail me daily and the desire to take control.  Control, a fickle thing indeed.

He made me a promise and will find the way for us.  I need but ask diligently and recognize and follow his instructions when they are given.

I am calling you God.  Can you hear me?   Can you really hear me?  Ah, I worried so, that you had not heard.  So please, watch over us?

We are so very conscious of our need and will to follow if you will have us…

I’m learning the hard way that if I don’t choose during life, life is going to do the choosing for me.  It’s kind like that revelation a teenager has when they suddenly realize that if they are going to be able to make decisions for themselves, then they’re going to have to get a job, move out and support themselves; making decisions themselves instead of following the process set before them by their parents.  Funny how long and how often we must be reminded of these lessons that seem to get lost in the frakus of life…

I’m just going to add the following link to an article written by Orson Scott Card (yes, the famous author).  I can’t think of a better way to explain the idiotic hypocrisy of the democratic left and the current economic situation than Mr. Card’s open letter.  Please read and then fact check.  You’ll be enlightened.

http://www.ornery.org/essays/warwatch/2008-10-05-1.html

I’m certain that if you dig into the facts, the truth will indeed be clear.  The Democratic party seems to consider themselves blameless, regardless of fault or deed they’ve committed.

Now that Powell has endorsed Obama, the nation has officially flip into a parallel universe.  I’m perplexed by the timing of the endorsement.  Now that the campaign’s have been underway for virtually two years, NOW and only now, does Powell endorse Obama?  Makes me think that Powell was hesitating to commit his endorsement given the volatility of both campaigns and his being perceived as a black racist early on.

Now that Obama has the “edge” but McCain has a perceivable “shot” at the election, Powell decides to throw his endorsement into the mix.  Huh????

Until today, I considered Powell one of the great political figures of our time; not so certain of that now.  I’ve spent several months trying to understand and evaluate Obama neutrally and I’ve finally concluded that there is just TOO MUCH of the “un-answered” about the Obama to really cough up my vote the the guy.  Simply put, I JUST DON’T TRUST OBAMA.

There are highly poignant questions that have NEVER been put to bed with finality regarding Obama past and present by his own words.  I don’t give a damn about flowery speech and eloquence in explanations.  Give me/us substance dammit.  By all means, please don’t treat me like I’m some gibbering idiot and assume that I will automatically fall for colloquialisms, high-brow speeches and innuendo’s.  If you’re not providing substance to your campaign rhetoric and avoiding media-type/hype talking points, I’m not listening much beyond the first paragraph of his speech.

Hell, let me list my concerns:

1. Experience to barely fill your pocket; Obama hasn’t got enough LIFE experience (let alone world political experience) to hold our nations sovereignty in the palm of his hand.
2. Acorn; $800K paid to them in early 2008 to do what?
3. Ayers; worked with him, devised political career with him, a mentor, a good professor living in his neighborhood?
4. Hasn’t released all records, including familial records indicating extended family in foreign countries.
5. “Reverend” Jeremiah Wright; confirmed racist and, by his own admission, Obama’s mentor.
6. 20 years of attendance at a radically racist “church”; never heard any racism in that church even after attending for 20 years and being married by Wright and Wright’s christening of Obama’s children?
7. Apparent campaign financing from foreign governments/individuals; Ok, spill it.  From who and where outside of US?
8. Infanticide; regardless of a woman’s health risk, kill them if she wants it dead?
9. Socialist slant; what I earn above $250,000 goes to the socialist kitty.  If I make more than $42,000, my taxes go even higher?  Hell, I can hardly afford gas these days.
10. Patriotism; for who Vladimir Lenin?  I’m not working for everyone else.  I’m providing for my family in the best legal way I can imagine; hard work and get paid for it.

I’ve done my digging against McCain and still have difficulty finding as concerning issues similar to Obama.

Two final thoughts:

1. I’ve heard nothing from BO that convinces me that he has the best interest of our families foremost in mind.  On the contrary, I find that he has the best interest of the govenment in mind since he indicates, with every word, that he and his entourage know best how to spend my hard earned income; that’s socialism.
2. He simply has too many disconcerting issues that keep coming up and NEVER put away with an answer that is not some flowery diatribe devised to distract and misdirect; summation?  DISTRUST.

Several months ago the most pressing issue I was dealing with was finding chunks of time for peace and quiet. Wow, did I get what I wished for. Life is full of issues demanding our attention; family, money, career, bills, friends. All require investment of time and demand more time and energy; evaporating those small but remarkable jewels of peace and quiet.

Well, I’ve a new issue to deal with; job loss. December last year, after nine years of dedicated, loyal service to a company, my position was eliminated. Does anyone else out there that has mistakenly poured the bulk of their waking hours into a career that suddenly is yanked away?

What the hell happened to valuing workers who give copious personal time at the expense of their family and friends for the success of a company’s bottom line; all in the hopes that all of that effort prolongs the extent employment and profit??? Gone are the days when employers WANT to hang on to employees that have acquired a ton of experience and knowledge in a company. Today, it’s the realization that skilled (or maybe ignorant) people are a dime a dozen and an employer knows they can replace a highly skilled, well paid employee with an idiot willing to work 90 hours a week for 25% less pay. No wonder we can hardly compete with Asia!

I’m sickened by the “new mentality” of corporate America… They’ve been infected with the disease that everything is replaceable; even people. Hell, even the general populace in America operates daily on the ridiculous assumption that if it breaks or maybe costs too much, go get another one someplace cheaper…

The point is, I gave nearly all of my energy to benefit a company because I thought it would help make it successful and thereby making me and my family successful too. Well, I’m sure I helped in some small way to make it successful but it sure as hell didn’t make me successful in the long run.

It’s been a while since my last post…  A lot has changed.  Back on my last post I was struggling with capturing time to myself.  I was competing with work, family, friends and really needing time to myself to explore what I really wanted to do; like writing a book (been wanting to do that for 20 years).  Well priorities have a way of changing regardless of your ability to control why…

Most recently my job as an IT professional was eliminated due to “downsizing”.  BAD for me, since it’s been two months since it happened and I’m still looking for a job in a dry market.  GOOD for the board of directors of the company I used to work for because they don’t feel the pain that I and my family are feeling.  I know, I know… they have risk too, but I can assure you, their risk is FAR less than mine.  In as much, the cushion they have financially is much greater than my meager income for a few months.  Let me tell you, a few months FLY BY when you’re a job seeker.

Yes, I’m disgruntled and a little pissed over it still.  Even so, it still amazes me now that I literally sacrificed remarkable amounts of personal time with my family while traveling for the company and I regularly worked 50-60 hours a week even while not traveling and it simply didn’t amount to jack squat in the end.  Except however, to teach me a very painful lesson: no matter how much of yourself you give to a company, including great performance, in the end it will simply boil down to numbers and if you’re one of the higher paid, you’re highly vulnerable when things are tight.  As was my case apparently, or someone had an axe to grind; who knows.  The fact is, when a company hits the skids, we’re all vulnerable.

What this little diatribe acheives is VENTING; for MY benefit.  The raw fact here is someone else out there in ‘net wonderland’ has gone through this kind of bullshit before and I need help in getting through it.  I’m beginning to learn the true value of community and I can’t think of a better way to “pull in reinforcements” than this here little blog.

Thanks ahead for any insight.  If you’re offended by some slant I’ve mentioned, read something else and be happy.

Cheers.

I often find myself longing for extended moments of aloneness that will allow me to stop and consider what the hell all this busy-ness is really for…

 I used to find a half hour or so by waking up at around 4:30am and just mulling over all that’s happened in recent days.  Now however, even if I’m up at 3:00am, I find myself faced with a small face peeking around the door to my den looking sad and in need of a hug.  I crumble and greet them lovingly, putting aside my need to simply delve into my mind and seek out one, just one, seamless exotential thought…

Day after day I doggedly go to work and struggle with the policitcal BS in corporate America; and for what?  Certainly not to change the world; I gave that up years ago.  To climb the corporate ladder?  I’ve discovered my friend, that that ladder is a useless amalgamation of metaphors and deception, resulting in empty promises and even emptier rewards. 

I’ve discovered years ago, and struggled with daily thereafter, that I am a man who is extremely comfortable with being alone thinking about everything and nothing but simple peace at being alone in thought.  But on the other hand, I’m a man who deeply loves his wife and children; that which is the thief of time in deep thinking.  I often find that I am a two-sided coin.  On the one side, stuggling to be the husband and father my family so richly deserves.  Yet, on the other side, I’m a caged adventurer with a lust for battle and real change; thrashing against the other side of the coin.

 Anyone out there dealing with this???  Are there other devoted family men who, at their hearts, are raging spirits in want of adventure and testing to a plateau of manhood reached only by life or death trials?  Or is everyone else caged with domestication and work????